The emotional turmoil that often follows the end of a romantic relationship is something many have experienced, often leading to a night of solace with a comforting tub of ice cream. Yet, the term commonly used to describe this situation, “dumped,” might need a rethink, according to a progressive expert.
Hilary Jacobs Hendel, a respected psychotherapist and author, suggests that the use of the word “dumped” compounds the distress of a breakup by adding an unnecessary layer of shame. Hendel believes that it’s time to adopt more considerate language when discussing the dissolution of relationships.
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the term “dump” means “to get rid of something or someone in an abrupt and often casual or careless way.” This definition underscores the harshness of the word, which Hendel argues is inappropriate for describing such a sensitive experience.
In an insightful blog post on Psychology Today, Hendel expressed her distaste for the phrase, stating, “Every time I hear it, I wince. I hate that phrase!” She advocates for more thoughtful and respectful language to capture the complexity of relationship endings.
The definition, according to the Merriam–Webster dictionary, is ‘to get rid of something or someone in an abrupt and often casual or careless way’.
In a blog post, written on Psychology Today, Ms Hendel said: ‘Every time I hear it, I wince. I hate that phrase!
‘Suddenly, what might have been a painful–but–human ending becomes loaded with humiliation. At a moment when someone is already vulnerable, the language itself becomes another injury.
‘People in pain deserve language that supports dignity, compassion, and healing – not language that makes them feel even more discarded.’
Using the word ‘dumped’ adds a ‘layer of shame to an already painful loss’, the expert warned. Ms Hendel said it suggests a person was ‘thrown away’, discarded and devalued, like rubbish
She argued that people should be more thoughtful with their words, especially when someone is suffering.
That’s because when a relationship ends, it hurts, she explained.
‘Losing someone we love or hoped to build a life with naturally brings up grief, anger, fear and even anguish and hopelessness.
‘That is hard enough. But the word “dumped” makes it worse.’
She said this suggests a person was ‘thrown away’, discarded and devalued, like rubbish.
Feelings of sadness, anger and fear naturally arise during these times, and they should be validated and supported, she added.
But for many people, these feelings get stuck behind shame.
‘Instead of feeling the grief and moving though it, people start thinking: “What’s wrong with me? Why wasn’t I enough? I’m disposable”,’ Ms Hendel said.
When Bridget Jones (pictured) was dumped, she instantly reached for a tub of ice cream to soothe her heartache. While many people have been through similar experiences, the expert says we should refer to it as something else
So, what should we be saying instead? ‘Why not say “They broke up” or “He ended the relationship”,’ she suggests. ‘Or, “She left”.
‘These phrases are accurate, but more respectful. They don’t pile degradation on top of heartbreak.’
Scientists previously discovered there is a ‘point of no return’ in a relationship where no matter how much either party tries, it is destined to fail.
Researchers from Johannes Gutenberg University Mainz in Germany found this unstoppable breakup point hits anywhere from seven to 28 months before one of them calls it quits.
The team found two specific phases of a failing relationship that’s secretly coming to an end: a gradual decline in satisfaction and the ‘transition point’ – where nothing will prevent the breakup.
Even worse, the partner who ends up calling off the relationship hits this ‘terminal decline’ phase about a year before the partner who gets dumped.
Once that person realizes they’re going to be dumped, their relationship satisfaction spirals downwards even faster than their unhappy partner.
Although breakups can often seem to come out of nowhere, the researchers said that this really isn’t the case – saying partners go through lots of phases when they’re with someone and these things don’t just happen overnight.
