Dear Eric: I’m currently sharing an apartment with my 22-year-old daughter, who has been having a tough time since high school. Her experience was disrupted by Covid, which made remote learning particularly challenging. Though she managed to graduate, she’s been struggling to find employment for the past year and a half. Despite her efforts in applying, she hasn’t landed any interviews.
It might sound a bit self-centered, but I have a desire to relocate with my boyfriend of seven years so we can finally begin our life together (we haven’t moved in together yet). Although my daughter is an adult, she’s not financially independent and lacks the means to cover rent, bills, or groceries on her own.
I can’t bear the thought of leaving her without support, nor do I have the heart to see her facing such hardships. Taking her with us isn’t an option either, as she doesn’t get along with my boyfriend. I’m feeling quite stuck and unsure of how to move forward so I can start a new chapter with my boyfriend while ensuring my daughter is able to care for herself. Any advice would be appreciated.
– Feeling Helpless
Dear Feeling Helpless: It’s time to have an open conversation with your daughter. Share your aspirations with her and encourage her to express her own. Collaborate to develop a plan together. Supporting her during her journey to independence has been a loving gesture, but engaging her as an adult will empower her. Regardless of her job prospects, she’ll need these skills.
Consider whether she could benefit from further education or training in a specific area, or if she might gather income through gig work. Perhaps there are relatives or friends she could assist in exchange for housing or financial support. This transition won’t come easily for either of you, but a change is necessary for both your lives. Begin by asking her, “What are your plans, and how can I support you?”
Dear Eric: I have a soft voice that has been criticized by many. I took a required speech class in college, and the instructor made up an emergency and asked if anyone would believe me if I told them about it.
I overheard my principal tell a colleague, “It’s a wonder she had any control over her (elementary) class with that voice.” I am so tired of being talked over by others. Sometimes, I have to start saying something three or four times before people listen. Sometimes, I just give up. Sometimes, I feel like I should act like a child, raise my hand and wait to be called on. Help!
– Quiet as a Mouse
Dear Quiet: Despite what your principal said, I’m presuming you do have control over your elementary school class. You’ve developed tactics that don’t rely on your voice’s volume. Give yourself credit for finding other ways to command attention, teach material and maintain order. Perhaps there are ways of applying some of your classroom skills in other areas in life.
Also, look into a class or training with a vocal coach or acting teacher. The voice is an instrument and, like any other instrument, “loud” isn’t always the best setting. Consider a piccolo or a clarinet; when played correctly, they can be quite arresting without very much volume. Similarly, a teacher trained in the voice can work with your specific instrument, show you its features – your vocal cords, your diaphragm, your breathing, etc. – and guide you in ways of using it effectively without having to shout.
Dear Eric: My husband and I enjoy hosting dinner and cards with other couples. This is also reciprocated by a few other friends. I’ve found it cringe-worthy due to the fact that they don’t want to play a game that takes some thought. It’s a game that just relies on the luck of the draw.
I’ve tried to suggest fun different games multiple times. Sometimes I’ll demonstrate the game to try to create interest by explaining strategies that could be used. This is met with disinterest. What can I do?
– Go Fish
Dear Go Fish: When you’re hosting, you might have to cut out the card games or excuse yourself. Or accept it. It’s no knock to them that they’re enjoying a relatively simple game. Perhaps their focus is on the camaraderie rather than the strategy. Game night can be a tricky endeavor. It’s sometimes hard to find people that all align in their desire for gameplay and strategy. If you’re enjoying their company otherwise, it’s best to just accept that they’re happy going fishing, and join them in the pond.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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