DEAR ABBY: I’ve been married to my husband for nearly 20 years, and we lived together for three years before tying the knot. How can one manage life with a narcissistic partner? I’m exhausted from the manipulation, the conflicts he instigates, and the way he shifts the blame onto me.
The most challenging aspect is the way he has chosen to “punish” me. He frequently gives me the silent treatment, not just for days but for weeks or even months. He grew up in an abusive environment, and despite my attempts to make him see his actions are wrong, I haven’t succeeded in getting through to him. When I brought up the idea of therapy once, he firmly refused.
The latest incident involved him sending me a text claiming that I had confided in a friend about his abuse and that the police had visited our home to investigate. (While my friends are aware of our arguments, abuse has NEVER been a topic of discussion.) I contacted the police the following day, and unsurprisingly, there hadn’t been any officer at our house previously. I am so furious with him that I haven’t spoken to him in over two months. I’m at a loss for what to do now and hope you can offer some guidance. — SILENT NO MORE IN CANADA
DEAR SILENT NO MORE: Your husband is more than narcissistic — he is also emotionally abusive and sadistic. That you have tolerated his behavior for 20 years (assuming that it didn’t start until after your marriage) is shocking. The help you need is as close as the office of a licensed marriage and family therapist, not for him but for you. Consult one and you will learn how dysfunctional your husband is and, hopefully, find the courage to leave and live the life you deserve.
DEAR ABBY: A very dear longtime friend I’ll call Lois lives a few hours from us in her vacation home. We used to visit and sometimes spend the night there, but her house smells awful. The smell has worsened over time. We never spend the night there now, and our visits are shorter.
Lois has always owned one or more indoor dogs that she lets outside to go to the bathroom. They also have access to a special room inside where they can do their business, but they also go everywhere. Her ability to clean up after them has diminished. For years, we have avoided telling her why we have shortened our visits. Her husband died recently, and we should be helping, but we feel unwell being there. If you think we should tell her, how should we do it? We don’t want to hurt or embarrass her. — LOST FOR WORDS IN THE SOUTH
DEAR LOST: If Lois asks why you no longer visit the way you used to, tell her the truth. Explain that you care about her, but the odor (which she’s likely so used to that she doesn’t notice) makes you and your husband feel unwell. Suggest that allowing her dogs to use her house as a bathroom may not be healthy for her, either, and offer to help her find a cleaning crew to get the place back in order.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
