DEAR ABBY: Growing up, I was a victim of sexual abuse, which has made me quite sensitive about being touched as an adult. Though therapy has helped me a lot, physical contact still makes me uneasy. I prefer if people could ask for my permission before touching me, and I usually say it’s okay.
The problem lies with my mother-in-law. She disregards my request and frequently pulls me into hugs or approaches me unexpectedly. I’ve explained my past to her, so she knows why I feel this way, but she dismisses it and assures me she won’t harm me. Once she even asked, “What? Do you think I’m going to attack you?” I assuredly don’t view her as a threat. The issue is my own comfort level, not her intentions, but she doesn’t seem to grasp this.
My husband avoids the situation entirely, not wanting to be caught between us. How can I communicate clearly to her that I need her to ask before initiating physical contact? — PROTECTIVE IN ILLINOIS
DEAR PROTECTIVE: Tell your mother-in-law once more, when you are both calm, that because of your history of abuse you do not want to be touched without first being asked. If she says, “Do you think I’m going to attack you?” your response should be, “That’s exactly what it feels like! It feels like I’m being assaulted. Don’t do it!” If she does it after that, then, in my opinion, you have every right to defend yourself.
P.S. Your wimp of a husband should be there during this conversation.
DEAR ABBY: I always considered my lifelong friend “Mary” to be my best friend. We are in our mid-50s now and live in different countries, but we’ve always stayed in contact. When she comes to visit, she stays with me. I sometimes pick her up at the airport, and I give her my guest room to stay in. I have never asked her for any money. I am single. Everything was fine; we enjoyed each other’s company.Â
I recently asked Mary if I could stay at her house (just overnight) and explained I wouldn’t mind sleeping on the sofa. She said she couldn’t have me for even one night because she has a small apartment, no guest room and she’s married. I felt hurt because I never expected her refusal, especially the “I’m married” part, because it implied she doesn’t trust me with her husband around. Frankly, I was dumbfounded and speechless.
I still love Mary, but I cannot get over what she said. Am I being overly sensitive? I cry about this every time I remember. — THROWN IN PUERTO RICO
DEAR THROWN: Your friend told you she doesn’t have a house; she lives in a small apartment. It could be a one-bedroom or studio. Rather than implying you might come on to her husband, she may have been trying to convey in her abbreviated statement that HE is not open to having a guest sleep on their couch. I know you are disappointed, but stop taking this so personally. When you visit, you will get the complete picture.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
