DEAR ABBY: I reside in a small town, and since my husband passed away a year ago, it seems like some folks here hold some resentment toward me. Six months after his passing, I experienced what my therapist referred to as a “nervous breakdown.” During that time, I was not myself and barely recall my actions or words. I’ve heard from others that I said hurtful things to close friends and even used profanity. This behavior spanned about three days.
These friends won’t reveal what I said. I’m part of a card club with these women, and apparently, I cursed at them and acted inappropriately. I am unable to convey my apologies because no one will explain what occurred. However, they have shared details with others, and now those people are also distant. I was expelled from the club and informed that I cannot return.
Can you give me some idea of what I can do to make my friends want to be with me again? I’m miserable and need help. — OUTCAST IN IOWA
DEAR OUTCAST: It’s understandable that you feel distressed. The individuals in that circle have ostracized you. Were any of them informed about your mental health episode following your husband’s death, and that you were undergoing psychotherapy? If they were aware and still cannot extend forgiveness for your actions, it reflects poorly on them.
Because you can’t force anyone to cut you some slack and be kind enough to explain what it was you were saying when you weren’t yourself, you will have to look elsewhere for friendship. A discussion with your religious adviser in that small town might be a place to start.
P.S. I wonder if what you said to those ladies when you were “not yourself” was true, which is why they aren’t speaking to you.
DEAR ABBY: A co-worker of mine is always bashing teachers, mostly about salaries and summers off. If her daughter has to stay after school to get caught up on assignments, it is invariably the teacher’s fault. My husband is a retired teacher. He knows that student success is a triangle of teachers, students and parents working together.Â
I know her complaints are not directed at my husband, but I bristle every time I hear them from her. When we moved here for his job 25 years ago, his starting salary was barely above poverty level. Her father was a state legislator who not once voted for teachers. When she speaks, I imagine I am hearing him. Her husband is a former law enforcement officer, and I would never dream of bashing his profession day in and day out. How can I get a word in edgewise and what should it be? –– WONDERING UP NORTH
DEAR WONDERING: The next time your co-worker starts in, summon up the backbone to tell her how hard your husband worked for low pay, trying to cram an education into the heads of mostly disinterested students, and how her comments affect you. Say it with feeling, and perhaps she will think twice before opening her mouth on that subject with you.Â
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
