DEAR ABBY: We recently experienced the heartbreaking loss of our first grandchild. She was only 24 and taken far too soon. My partner and I are navigating our grief, facing the challenge of being in different stages. He also contends with multiple mental health issues, which complicates matters further, as I must support him through some outbursts while I am overwhelmed by this tragedy. We are likely to pursue counseling in the near future.
Currently, I am faced with the decision my daughter and I made to get memorial jewelry. I chose a small raindrop pendant to hold some of my granddaughter’s ashes. I informed my partner about this, as surprises don’t sit well with him, and ample notice is best. Now, he is concerned that if I wear the necklace, it will be a constant reminder of the loss.
I want to keep my granddaughter close to my heart. I’m unsure how to compromise on this, except by wearing it only when he’s not around. However, as he is retired and I mainly work from home, he is always present. I do not wish to continually upset him by reminding him, leaving me at a loss. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. — REMEMBERING IN CANADA
DEAR REMEMBERING: Please accept my sympathy for the untimely loss of your granddaughter. Clearly, you are dealing with a lot right now. The fact that your partner suffers from mental illness only adds to it. That you want to keep some part of your granddaughter close to you is understandable. However, if seeing you wearing the raindrop pendant would set him back, consider having it made but not wearing it until he’s further along in the grieving process. I hope he receives his much-needed counseling soon.
DEAR ABBY: I have many reasons not to trust my husband. We have been together going on six years, married for 3 1/2 of them. I recently found out he texted his ex-live-in girlfriend to wish her “Happy Birthday.” When I asked him why, he said he always has done this. I don’t understand the need. They don’t keep in touch otherwise as far as I know. He never deletes old messages, so there’s usually a trail and there really isn’t one with her.
He got mad at me (as usual) and couldn’t understand my point of view. I also know he has consulted a lawyer in the last few months to inquire about how our things would be divided in a case of divorce. Should I be concerned? Isn’t it disrespectful for him to text his ex? — CONFLICTED IN MAINE
DEAR CONFLICTED: You have focused on the wrong problem. Rather than fight with your husband because he sent a former girlfriend birthday wishes, you should be hyper-concerned about why he has been consulting a divorce lawyer. (!!) I don’t know how emotionally distanced the two of you have become, but from where I sit, it’s time to enlist the aid of a marriage and family counselor.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
