Dear Eric: My parents, now enjoying their retirement, are relishing the empty nest phase. They live in a sizable house, but my mother’s mobility has significantly declined over the past few years.
Despite this, they hold onto items they no longer need. My mother tends to purchase more than necessary, often forgetting what they already have, and rarely clears out the excess.
My siblings and I are becoming increasingly frustrated. Some rooms are so cluttered with belongings accumulated over decades that they’re nearly impossible to navigate.
We’ve offered to help organize the house ourselves and even suggested hiring a professional organizer to ensure their home is safe and manageable. However, they consistently refuse any assistance.
We’ve also tried explaining that leaving such a cluttered home for us to sort through isn’t fair, especially when we can’t distinguish between valuable items and potential heirlooms. Their response is simply to throw everything away.
We care deeply for our parents, but their casual attitude towards leaving this overwhelming task to us is frustrating. We are eager to assist now, yet they remain dismissive. Your thoughts on how to address this situation would be greatly valued.
– Overwhelmed by Clutter
Dear Overwhelmed: If you believe that the clutter in the house poses a safety risk and they’ve refused your help, it may be time to reach out to the hoarder task force at your local fire department or seek out other municipal resources to pay your parents a house call.
They can assess the risk (to your parents and to any paramedics/fire fighters who might have to come into the home to help) and provide solutions.
There’s a separate issue here, however, and it’s an anticipatory frustration that may not really be something your parents need to deal with. You’re envisioning how hard it’s going to be to clean up after them, which is understandable from a logistical standpoint. But they’re still living their lives; this is still their stuff. So, it’s not really fair to characterize them as cavalier about what happens after they’re gone, when they’re still here and enjoying post-retirement life.
If you’re worried about missing some heirlooms, ask them if you can walk through the house with them and hold on to some things for safekeeping.
Today’s problem is the clutter. The figurative tomorrow’s problem is disposing of everything. Let tomorrow’s problem stay tomorrow’s problem.
Dear Eric: About a year ago a good friend lost her mother at an advanced age. Six months later she lost a brother rather suddenly to cancer. We’ve been friends for decades and are now both retired. We’ve seen each other through everything.
Her mom was a huge challenge. Uncooperative, unsupportive, critical; my friend is everything her mom was not.
When her mom was going downhill physically my friend was taking care of her. During all this, I was the sounding board for my friend. Every detail. Every procedure, argument. Same when her brother passed.
I was more than glad to be there for her. Unfortunately, not long after her brother passed her cousin’s wife also passed. About the same time, I lost a good friend. It was especially hard. By the time the cousin passed I was full up.
I know grieving takes time and everyone is different. When I resisted any more minute-by-minute details about the cousin, I was told I wasn’t a good friend. Am I really a bad friend because I just did not want every detail again? I miss her but I don’t miss walking- on-eggshells conversations.
– Eggshells
Dear Eggshells: You both were under a lot of stress and also grieving. It’s easy, and common, in those moments to say the wrong thing or to take something the wrong way. We have to give each other grace.
It’s also reasonable and healthy to know when you’re at emotional capacity. Sometimes we have to find the right words for it, like “I want to be there for you, and I understand that this is hard, but some of the details are overwhelming me. Is there another way I can help, or can we revisit this later?” It’s also fine to say, “you’re going through it, I’m going through it. I don’t have much to give right now and maybe you don’t either, but can we just sit with each other?”
If you can, let the experience be water under the bridge. Reach out to your friend. Tell her you miss her. Ask her if you and she can start again.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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