Dear Vanessa,
In my early 30s, I’ve been living with my partner for a few years now. We’re both committed to the idea of a long-term relationship, though marriage isn’t on the immediate horizon for either of us. As we share a home, we’ve agreed to split all expenses equally—everything from rent and groceries to utilities, internet, streaming services, and even holidays.
However, there’s a significant disparity in our earnings that complicates this arrangement. My partner earns considerably more than I do and doesn’t have to give much thought to spending. On the other hand, I’m constantly preoccupied with financial concerns. I frequently check my bank balance and often feel guilty about spending on personal items like clothes or treating myself.
While he can easily say yes to dining out, weekend getaways, and vacations without a second thought, I’ve become increasingly conscious of the costs involved in such activities. It’s a disparity that weighs on me, despite our efforts to maintain an equitable partnership.
He earns a lot more than I do. He doesn’t really worry about money. I do.
I’m always thinking about what things cost. I check my bank balance all the time. I feel guilty if I buy clothes or spend money on myself. He can say yes to dinners out, weekends away and holidays without really thinking about it.
I say yes too, because I don’t want to be the difficult one or the boring one. But saying yes usually means I don’t save much that month – or anything at all.
Some months I’m just getting by. Meanwhile, he’s saving, investing and feeling good about the future.
Money educator Vanessa Stoykov gives advice to a woman who has a common money dilemma – she ‘splits everything’ with a boyfriend who earns considerably more than she does
I don’t want to rely on him or feel like I need help. I’ve always paid my own way and I’m proud of that. But lately I feel stressed and a bit resentful, and I don’t like feeling that way.
I love him, but I feel like I’m falling behind while he’s moving ahead.
Am I being unreasonable for wanting this to change?
Feeling Unequal.
Dear Feeling Unequal,
You’re not being unreasonable – you’re being honest about something a lot of women feel but don’t say out loud.
Splitting bills evenly sounds fair. It looks neat. It feels modern. But when two people earn very different incomes, it can quietly create pressure for one person and comfort for the other.
Right now, you’re stretching yourself to keep up.
When one partner earns more, they can afford to say yes more often. When you earn less, every yes comes at a cost. That cost is usually your savings, your sense of safety, or your peace of mind.
Here’s the hard truth: you don’t earn the same, so you can’t live the same lifestyle.
That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means the setup needs adjusting.
If you want this relationship to work long-term, you may need to do a few things that feel uncomfortable at first.
First, you may need to say no more often. No to dinners out. No to weekends away. No to spending that leaves you anxious at the end of the month. Saying no isn’t about being difficult – it’s about being realistic.
Second, you need to prioritise your savings. Even a small, regular amount matters. If all your money is going towards shared living costs and lifestyle, you’re putting yourself last.
Third, be clear on what you can afford – not what looks fair on paper. Work out what you earn, what you need to save to feel okay, and what’s left. That number is your limit, even if it’s lower than his.
Then comes the conversation.
This doesn’t need to be dramatic or emotional. It can be simple:
‘I’m finding this stressful and I’m not saving. I need to change how we do this.’
You’re not asking for permission. You’re explaining the reality.
Fair doesn’t always mean 50/50. Sometimes fair means adjusting how costs are shared so both people can move forward – not one racing ahead while the other treads water.
If this relationship is meant to be long-term, then your future security matters just as much as today’s lifestyle. That’s true whether you’re married or not.
Money issues don’t ruin good relationships. Avoiding them does.
Warm regards,
Vanessa.
