One of the perks of being a sex columnist is the fascinating reputation that comes with it. You’re often seen as the go-to confidant for all things scandalous.
Have you experienced an embarrassing mishap in the bedroom? Reach out to Jana. Found yourself entangled with someone who misrepresented their age, job, and relationship status? Jana is the perfect person to confide in.
This dynamic is fantastic—it has left me practically immune to shock.
At least, that’s what I believed until a recent incident. Last week, a renowned friend texted me, proposing a ‘wine and story session,’ promising that the photos alone would justify the Uber ride.
Photos? The mention of them had me concerned about getting involved in a potential scandal of the adult film variety, yet I couldn’t resist hopping into a taxi regardless.
Upon arriving at the bar, my friend revealed images of a sex-related injury so severe that even I needed a moment to compose myself before hearing the entire tale.
My friend had been enjoying a night out with a boyfriend when they drank a few too many whisky sours and decided to take their bedroom gymnastics to Olympic levels.
Feeling bold, she decided to treat him to the reverse cowgirl – on top, back facing him, bouncing as if at a rodeo. Once a ‘showpiece’ move in X-rated movies, this daring position is now a favourite among adventurous middle-class couples.
I’ve heard troubling accounts of painful sex injuries linked to the reverse cowgirl sex position, writes DailyMail+ columnist Jana Hocking (stock image posed by models)
In her excitement, she landed at the wrong angle with her full bodyweight; he slipped out – and suddenly, there was a sickening snap.
What happened next was like something out of a horror movie – and I can back that up – because she showed me the photos and they were… a lot.
There was blood everywhere.
Understandably, he was screaming in agony. My friend was screaming too as she called an ambulance.
Why on earth she thought to take a photo is beyond me.
The poor man spent the next two weeks recovering in hospital, and it was so severe he even needed help to urinate.
It turns out you can indeed break your dick. It’s called a penile fracture.
Spoiler: they never slept together again. I’m pretty sure she’s now what he calls a ‘trigger’.
You’d think that was a one-off, but then a female guest on my radio show, Saucy Secrets with Jana Hocking, shared an equally eye-watering story.
The 32-year-old recalled having a great time on a first date when they decided to spice things up with a butt plug.
Jana Hocking (pictured) learned of a horrifying sex injury from one of her famous friends
Side note: a butt plug on a first date? Bold!
Halfway through, she suddenly realised it was missing. At first, she thought it had simply fallen out.
The pair tore the bed apart, tossing pillows and blankets like detectives at a crime scene – but it was nowhere to be found.
‘It was inside me,’ she admitted.
Luckily, she kept her sense of humour – along with the staff at her local hospital.
‘The doctors and nurses were all joking around with us, saying we must have been having a fun morning,’ she laughed.
Some medical staff even tried to calm her nerves by saying it was nothing compared to other items they’ve seen stuck up there.
Eventually, doctors told her surgery was needed to retrieve the toy – a five-minute procedure, but a story she’ll never forget.
She confessed it put her off sex toys for months, and she was extra careful when she finally felt ready to be adventurous again.
These stories sound wild, but they’re far from rare.
Hearing them made me realise: we’re in the midst of a quiet epidemic.
Not STIs. Not cheating. But painful sex injuries that women are whispering about in group chats and at school pick-up.
One quick WhatsApp message to my girlfriends asking for their most embarrassing bedroom stories confirmed my suspicion.
One friend who is a nurse in the emergency ward told me just the night before she had attended to a patient who had played victim to the aptly titled ‘cramp-and-kick.’
It happens more often than you’d think. One perfectly respectable city lawyer ended up in A&E with her partner after a vicious foot cramp had her reflexively kick him in the jaw mid-session. He bit his tongue so hard there was blood everywhere.
For a moment, they feared he’d done permanent damage – but, who knew, tongues heal themselves. He was fine. Just mortified.
If that sounds painful, another friend confessed to accidentally head-butting her partner during an overzealous make-out session.
A sophisticated publicist, she lunged in for a kiss just as he lifted his head, and they collided, leaving him with a swollen brow the size of a golf ball.
Instead of getting down to business, they spent the night icing his face. He had to face his boss the next morning with the classic excuse: ‘I walked into a shelf.’
Who knew respectable, Pilates-loving, linen-wearing women would find themselves trying to explain themselves to baffled ER doctors at 2am?
The lesson learned? You don’t need to be an OnlyFans star to have something slip, snap, vanish or get lodged somewhere it shouldn’t. A healthy, enthusiastic sex drive is risky enough.
Take care out there – I suddenly find a nice night of missionary a lot more appealing.
