Dear Jane,
I’m grappling with embarrassment after making quite a spectacle of myself at the office holiday gathering, and I’m dreading my next appearance at work.
The night began innocently enough. We were all enjoying ourselves at a chic bar that the company had booked for the occasion.
However, my recollection fades from there. My friends have since filled me in on the details, and the picture they’ve painted isn’t flattering.
Apparently, I indulged a bit too much and ended up openly sharing my inappropriate crush on our married CEO with anyone willing to listen.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, my friends also revealed that I audaciously approached the CEO, complimented his looks, and attempted to flirt with him!
They’re all insisting that what I did wasn’t that bad, but I disagree. I’ll be lucky if I still have a job come the new year.
Which brings me to my next concern: going back to the office.
How can I possibly go to work when everyone knows about my silly crush? The sheer thought of it makes me want to hand in a resignation letter.
I don’t know how to handle this awkwardness. Do I address the elephant in the room, or do I let it go and try to move on? Or am I destined to feel embarrassed as long as I’m at this job?
Sincerely,
Party Foul
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Party Foul,
First of all, take a breath.
Office-party shame – which many of us have experienced at some point – often magnifies as it plays out, mortifyingly, in our heads.
But the truth is, nobody else cares very much about our behavior, and they likely won’t remember it.
Of course, it’s embarrassing to reveal something so honest and it makes you vulnerable, especially given that you would never say such a thing unless under the influence of alcohol.
But flirting with your boss is not the same as harassment or misconduct. It’s not a fireable offense, nor should it make you want to resign.
The fact is, you were intoxicated at a company event. You expressed a verbal attraction, but didn’t persist. The CEO will want to handle this professionally, and he likely wants to move on as if nothing happened.
So, the best way to handle this is to do nothing.
Go to work on Monday as the professional that you are. Do not mention it, get on with your work and be cool, calm and collected.
Continuing to talk about it with colleagues will only keep it alive and signal to them that it is a bigger issue for you than it should be.
If your boss does bring it up, merely say, ‘I am embarrassed by my behavior at the party. It was inappropriate, and won’t happen again.’
Then move on.
Dear Jane,
My husband cheated on me, and for weeks I was devastated, crying to my friends about the betrayal.
I had kicked him out of the house, forcing him to stay with his parents while we decided how to move forward.
All of my friends told me to leave him, to file for divorce, that I would be better off if we started over. They told me they had secretly hated him for years, that I didn’t deserve him and that I am ‘out of his league.’
But that isn’t the problem.
The problem is: I decided to stay.
I love my husband deeply and we have children together. So, we have secretly been attending couples’ therapy to work out the issues that led us to this point.
In doing so, I forgave him.
Now, I’m ready for him to move back home, but that means telling my friends – and I’m worried that, after hearing their true feelings about my husband, they’ll judge me.
It sounds silly, because I know this is my life and marriage, but I care about what my friends think, and value their advice and insight.
I just don’t know how I’m going to tell them I’ve been trying to save my marriage and that I’m staying in it.
How do I break the news? And what do I do if they’re angry with me?
Sincerely,
Wife Woes
Dear Wife Woes,
It’s natural for your friends to want to protect you when you have been betrayed.
We’re outraged when someone hurts those we love, and we are often quick to rush in with advice – even when it’s none of our business.
But no one knows what really goes on behind the closed doors of a marriage, nor the nuances that make a particular relationship work.
Just because your friends were honest about their feelings, however, does not mean they get to vote on your next move.
You are allowed to do whatever is right for you.
If they really do support you, they will respect your choice and should understand that life is nuanced, especially because you have children together.
They may not agree with your decision, but it’s important you don’t look to them for validation. In fact, you can tell them that, while you hear their concern, you need them to respect your choice.
If they are unable to do so, perhaps they are not the friends you thought they were.
Going forward, you might also want to reconsider how much you’re comfortable revealing to them.
You’re already in couples therapy, and I wonder if finding your own therapist may be a better for you when it comes to sharing the innermost workings of your marriage.
