Dear Eric,
For over 20 years, I’ve been a regular at local band performances, forging wonderful friendships with like-minded music enthusiasts. Due to some health challenges, I usually sit towards the back, but I do enjoy mingling and occasionally venture to the front of the stage during intermissions to catch a closer glimpse of the action.
While I’m not one to dance wildly—I rely on a cane for balance—I do enjoy swaying gently to the rhythm of the music.
However, during a recent show, shortly after the second set began, a woman approached me, quite rudely insisting that I leave because I was allegedly occupying her spot. I calmly responded that we were simply both there to enjoy the music. Moments later, her husband confronted me aggressively, accusing me of hitting his wife with my cane and threatened violence if I didn’t vacate the area immediately.
Despite my attempts to clarify that these accusations were unfounded, he refused to listen and reiterated his threat. With no security personnel around to mediate, I had no choice but to leave.
I’ve tried reaching out to him by leaving messages, hoping for a conversation to clear up the misunderstanding, but received no reply. Though hesitant to attend future shows due to fear of another confrontation, friends have offered to accompany me for support. Others who are familiar with him have advised me to cease contact and “just let it go.”
Dear Concertgoer: Don’t let this man keep you from a good time. From your telling, the problem is his not yours and you shouldn’t spend more time trying to fix it. So do let it go but also do keep going to the shows.
Take your friends up on the offer to stand with you for your own protection and peace of mind. Hopefully, this confrontation was a one-time thing, possibly fueled by alcohol or something else going on in this couple’s life. You’ve been going to these shows for 20 years and have developed a community. One of the primary functions of community is to show up for us and have our backs.
Dear Eric: I have been friends with Teri for more than 25 years. We have been through marriages, divorces, celebrations and condolences when loved ones pass. Even though we no longer live in the same city, we still remain close through emails, texts and phone calls.
The issue is her husband, Bill. He’s a bit of a blowhard and no one likes to be around him. My husband really doesn’t like Bill and since we no longer live in the same city it’s generally not an issue.
We are going on a cruise and have invited my sister to join us. She has extended the invitation to another friend who is also friends with Teri and Bill. My sister asked her friend not to mention the cruise to Teri and Bill because she knows my husband would refuse to go if Bill was going.
What do I do if they find out and decide to join us? I don’t want to go with them because I know my husband would not enjoy himself and frankly neither would I! Should I be frank with Teri and tell her Bill, and therefore both, are crashing our party?
– Sinking Ship
Dear Ship: There’s a skiff full of ifs that have to happen before Teri and Bill come aboard your boat. But, if they do find out, even though your sister asked her friend not to say anything, and if they do decide to come on the trip, and if they ask you to make room on your itinerary, then you should be direct but not unkind and tell Teri that you appreciate her friendship, but you’re not vacation friends because of the way you feel about Bill.
I’m not saying this is an easy thing nor that it’s going to go over well. It probably won’t.
But if you don’t want to go on vacation with Bill and you don’t want to cancel your ticket, then you have to be direct.
However, don’t let your frankness be a hard no. Make it a “no, but.” You can’t forbid them from coming on the cruise, nor should you try. But you can ask Teri if there are other ways that you could be together, whether it’s a visit for just the two of you or something else. Here’s hoping it doesn’t come to all that and you can enjoy the cruise without a tough conversation.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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