Jessica Files Restraining Order Against Her Mother, But Now She's Having Doubts

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If you find yourself spending more time arguing with a family member rather than cherishing their company, is it time to end that connection? Insight explores the reasons behind cutting family ties and examines if it is always the best decision. Catch the episode Cutting Ties Tuesday 8 July on SBS at 8.30PM or view live on SBS On Demand.

Jessica is heartbroken that reconciliation with her mother is now impossible.

Following her parents’ separation when she was a toddler, Jessica stayed with her father but also visited her mother, who lived with schizophrenia.

“I was aware that my life was not like my friends’, since their mother didn’t believe she was Jesus.

“Their mother didn’t think the government was going to harm her.”

Jessica moved in with her mother full-time at 17. They stayed in a boarding house and had temporary housing before settling into public housing.

Jessica recounts that her mother made threats toward their family when Jessica was in her late twenties.

“I wanted my kids to know that abuse is unacceptable, and I aimed to break that cycle,” she expressed.

This motivation led Jessica to pursue legal measures.

“Initially, I obtained a five-year intervention order and relocated to Warrnambool — three hours from Melbourne — ensuring she couldn’t track my whereabouts.”

Despite believing it was necessary, Jessica still grapples with feelings of guilt and shame about her choice, questioning whether it was truly justifiable.

A chance reunion

Kathryn was estranged from her father for 15 years.

Her parents divorced when she was about nine; she and her brother would split their week between their parents’ two houses in the same country town for the next three years.

When she was 12, Kathryn wanted to live with her dad full-time, but Kathryn says he didn’t want that. She feels this rejection and other childhood trauma had long-lasting impacts on her mental health.

“I was petrified of encountering him. I struggled with severe social anxiety and avoided being in public due to the fear of an encounter,” she confessed.

Kathryn moved to Melbourne when she was 17. On a trip home to visit her mum when Kathryn was 27, her worst fears were realised.

“I’d missed a train, so I just went to the pub to grab a beer because I had to wait for an hour for another one … And he was there, with a beer as well.”

It was the first time she’d had any contact with him in 15 years.

“The picture I had in my mind [of him] was something so different to what I saw in front of me,” Kathryn said.

“I saw someone who seemed sad and lost … just a bloke at the pub, having a beer.”

The two sat down and chatted for the next hour. They exchanged phone numbers.

“It was difficult, but it was almost a relief because he wasn’t the monster I had imagined,” Kathryn said.

‘I would have been five feet under’

When Jennifer made the decision to come out as a trans woman, she didn’t understand what she stood to lose.

“I think I’m quite an intelligent person, but it was naïve,” Jennifer said.

Married for 40 years, Jennifer and her wife have three adult sons.

She says that the relationship with her family deteriorated and contact with them ceased.

Jennifer says her relationship with several family members deteriorated when she came out as trans.

She says that, although coming out had the consequences it did, she needed to do it.

“If I had not have done it, I would have been five feet under,” Jennifer said.

Mending severed ties

Jennifer says that, after six years of silence, one of her sons phoned her one day, which led to them rebuilding their relationship.

“I’m now very close with him and his two daughters,” Jennifer told Insight.

“I think getting that phone call and going out for that meal — reconnecting and getting together with my two beautiful granddaughters — is the best thing that could have happened.

“And I love all my three boys and grandchildren. And not being able to have contact with them breaks my heart … The same with my wife.”

Like Jennifer, Kathryn has also had a partial reconciliation with a family member with whom ties were once severed.

Since that chance meeting in a pub after missing the train, Kathryn and her father have maintained an ongoing relationship.

“I decided to stay in touch,” Kathryn said.

However, she says that maintaining strong boundaries with her dad is critical for her. They occasionally text and see each other once or twice a year.

“When I see him, I remember that once upon a time, he was my dad who loved me. I loved him.

“I think we still do love each other. And it’s not so scary anymore.”

Living with regret

Jessica never had the opportunity to reconcile with her mother.

When the five-year intervention order she took out against her mother expired, they tried to mend their relationship. But it soon soured.

“She began using drugs like cocaine. Her behaviour became extremely erratic and aggressive again,” Jess said.

She decided it was necessary to take out another intervention order, which was granted.

A middle aged woman with dark hair and a fringe smiles holding a glass next to a young woman with long brown hair smiling

Jessica and her late mother. Source: Supplied

Last year, Jessica’s mother died from a combination of mixed drug toxicity and alcohol. Jessica feels a sense of responsibility and has unanswered questions.

She questions if her mother would be dead had they reconciled successfully.

“Would she have felt that need in her life — to be that excessive — if I was there, and if her grandchildren were there?

“Honestly, I think she would be alive still if I was in her life. And I think that’s the part that I regret.”