Sarah's Journey: Overcoming a History of Family and Partner Abuse

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This article contains references to domestic and family violence and sexual assault.

Sarah Williams grew up amidst abuse and intergenerational trauma, witnessing and experiencing violence from a young age.

She recounts that her parents’ relationship was physically abusive, and although her father left when she was 12, her mother’s subsequent partner was also violent.

In Williams’s family, such relationships were “normalised,” leaving her without a full understanding of her situation for many years.

“I thought it was normal because I grew up in households with yelling, hitting, and throwing objects,” she explains.

“It required extensive psychology and counselling for me to recognize this was not normal, but rather abuse.”

A woman wearing a red blazer smiles at a camera.

Sarah Williams believes children and young people are often forgotten in conversations about domestic violence. Source: Supplied

When Williams was 17, she decided to seek help, but found it difficult to find services or information that supported young people.

She believes support and education about domestic and family violence often focuses on older demographics, and describes children as the “forgotten” victims.

“It’s always talking about the mum and dad, or the two parents … it’s not talking about how that child has experienced violence as well,” she says.

“They’ve witnessed it all and experienced it and are a victim within their own right.”

The ‘forgotten, invisible’ victims

Chelsea Tobin is CEO of Safe Steps, a domestic and family violence crisis service centre.

She says domestic violence can impact young people whether they experience it firsthand from a parent, from another young person, or witness it between adults in their family.

“What I would say is young people in particular are the forgotten, invisible victims of family and domestic violence,” Tobin says.

We know when young people experience family and domestic violence and their trauma is not addressed, it becomes intergenerational trauma.

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics’ 2021-22 Personal Safety survey, about 13 per cent of people witness partner violence towards a parent before the age of 15.

Of the people who had experienced childhood physical abuse, the most common perpetrator was a family member.

But the 2023 Australian Child Maltreatment Study, which surveyed 3,500 young people aged 16 to 24, found 39.6 per cent of respondents had been exposed to domestic violence before the age of 18.

Tobin says it is difficult to quantify exact numbers because many young people are not accessing support through the current systems.

A woman wearing a navy blue suit jacket and a white t-shirt smiles at the camera.

Chelsea Tobin is CEO of Safe Steps, a 24/7 family violence response centre. Source: Supplied

“They don’t call us, they don’t call anyone, because they see traditional services as irrelevant, unhelpful, or inaccessible,” Tobin says.

“Young people tell us they find it unclear where to access supportive services relevant to them… they are constantly slipping through the cracks.”

‘Complicated for a young person to understand’

Ruby Allen was eight years old when domestic and family violence became part of her life.

She says her mother’s partner gradually became more and more controlling, and eventually, the situation became violent.

After enduring years of fear, Allen, her mother, and two sisters managed to escape and start anew. They could afford basic needs, but Allen says finding support or educational resources on her experiences was challenging.

During that time, Allen often turned to internet searches to find answers, but everything she found was targeted at adults.

“Those big words, and complicated definitions … they were very complicated for a young person to understand and that kind of left me more confused than before,” she says.

“There isn’t really anything that provides support to a young person in a youth-friendly way.”

Now 18, Allen has become an advocate and is working to improve resources for young people experiencing the kind of violence she and her sisters faced.

A young woman with brown hair wearing jeans and a white polo shirt smiles at a camera.

Ruby Allen says domestic violence services do not adequately cater for children and young adults. Source: Supplied

Allen shares Williams’s view that young people are often left out or not adequately represented in public conversations or media coverage about domestic and family violence.

“Occasionally [in media] you see a vision of a child on the side or something like that … but that is a shallow perception of what actually happens because it’s so much deeper than that,” she says.

“It’s not just witnessing or seeing something, it’s feeling the effects of it as well.”

Youth-perpetrated domestic violence

Pam Barker, CEO of Brisbane Youth Service, says people who witness or experience domestic and family violence at a young age are also more likely to use violence themselves.

She says this is a complex facet of the domestic violence space that is not well understood.

“They witness it or they’re subjected themselves to the violence, and then what occurs is these young people learn how to solve problems and emotionally regulate through the use of physical violence or emotional violence,” Barker says.

These young people grow up and they have partners, and because of the nature of their upbringing and their current attachment styles, they then start to utilise violence as a way to address issues.

According to the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, young people who have experienced family violence are around nine times more likely to use violence than those who haven’t experienced abuse.

They are also 43 per cent more likely to experience partner violence as adults.

Barker says there are many gaps in the system and public knowledge when it comes to domestic, family and sexual violence experienced and perpetrated by young people.

Barker says early intervention and education can play a crucial role, and is calling for a youth-specific domestic and family violence response.

“If we can decrease the number of young people using violence and becoming entrenched in those relationships … we are breaking the cycle and decreasing the adult quota,” she says.

“If we can decrease and divert these young people, we can change lives, and we can also change their children’s lives because this is the beginning of the cycle.”

When it comes to support services, Tobin says children and young people are often treated as “extensions of their protective parent” rather than victim-survivors in their own right.

She says this means their individual needs, risks, and trauma have traditionally not been addressed or treated.

“I think young people have unique needs; they’re in critical stages of cognitive, emotional and social development,” Tobin says.

“And that makes them particularly vulnerable to the effects of trauma, so we need tailored services that meet those unique needs.”

She says Australia needs a digital-first response designed for children and young people, with tailored support, education, and referral services.

Lasting impacts and ongoing trauma

Experiencing or witnessing domestic and family violence at a young age can have ripple effects throughout a person’s life.

Williams says this has been evident in her family, with both of her parents experiencing abuse in their lives, and later going on to perpetuate abusive behaviours.

She no longer has contact with any of her biological family and has spent years in counselling trying to understand and work through her trauma.

“I think because [it’s] all I’ve ever known, it’s affected absolutely every aspect of my life,” she says.

Looking back, I was definitely in survival mode, literally my whole life.

Williams believes her childhood experiences have also impacted her relationships as a young adult.

She says her first romantic relationship was violent, with her former partner abusing her physically, emotionally and financially. She says she was also sexually assaulted multiple times.

“For the first 10 to 12 months, I thought that was completely normal and that is how you express love,” she says.

“Obviously, it felt bad; it hurt and broke me, but I thought that was something that happens because that’s all I saw.”

While she is still working through the trauma and ongoing impacts of her experiences, Williams has also stepped into advocacy.

She says she hopes her work can help improve education, awareness, and support for children and young people to recognise domestic and family violence.

“The biggest part for me is not wanting anyone else to experience what I’ve experienced, and not wanting to redo those patterns.

“If there are any other younger children out there, they can hopefully spot the signs before I did.”

If you or someone you know is impacted by family and domestic violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, text 0458 737 732, or visit 1800RESPECT.org.au. In an emergency, call 000.