DEAR ABBY: Four months ago, I lost my wife of two decades after a long illness. I retired at 62 to become her primary caregiver. Being a caretaker is both relentless and stressful, yet rewarding. A longtime friend, “Dinah,” attended the memorial service. I’ve been navigating my grief by attending Grief Share and reading about the process. I feel my sorrow daily and believe it will be a lifelong companion.
Lately, Dinah and I have been spending time together, including attending worship services. To be clear, our relationship has not been intimate and won’t be unless we decide to marry. However, my late wife’s family has reacted by growing increasingly distant. I don’t think I’m doing anything inappropriate. Some people suggest I should wait a year before moving on. While my financial planner advised against making significant financial decisions for the time being, what is the significance of this “one year” advice? — READY IN TENNESSEE
DEAR READY: The “one year thing” aligns with your financial planner’s guidance. After losing a spouse, individuals can be emotionally fragile. Some, seeking comfort, have rushed into romantic relationships only to later regret these hasty decisions. Although you’re not wrong to date, your former in-laws might find it unsettling that you began dating soon after your wife’s passing, perceiving it as disrespectful to her memory. They might not understand that your grieving process began while you were caring for your wife, not just after her death.
DEAR ABBY: My brother has been married for 25 years to “Gayle,” who has alienated herself and their family from everyone, including her own siblings, our siblings and the rest of our family as well. She limits when, where and with whom he can spend time.
Gayle nearly always has a nasty comment or barb and picks someone to fight with at every family gathering. Rather than deal with this, my family and our siblings’ families have distanced ourselves, which is especially sad because my brother and Gayle have college-aged children with whom we enjoy spending time.
Abby, something happened recently that makes me wonder if it’s time for someone to intervene. My brother has an increasing number of false memories about things that never happened in his life — particularly ones in which he has supposedly been grievously wronged by me. Please share some advice. — MISSING MY BROTHER IN NEW ENGLAND
DEAR MISSING: The topic of false memories is not one about which I am knowledgeable enough to comment. I do, however, know they happen sometimes as people age. Your brother may be experiencing symptoms of dementia and should be examined physically and neurologically by his doctor. Discuss this with the rest of your siblings in the hope that if ALL of you suggest this to your brother’s wife and adult children, it may get through to her. But don’t count on it if she has worked during their entire marriage to isolate him from all of you.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
