Dear Eric: Our college-age son began experiencing hair loss back in high school. Although it might be hereditary, it doesn’t seem to run in our family. Despite being quite slim, his eating habits are poor, consisting mainly of junk food, juice, and soda, with some days where he skips meals entirely.
When he lived at home, I had some influence over his diet choices, but he consistently denied any issues. His pediatrician, who happened to be male, often dismissed my worries. I assisted him in finding a new doctor when he turned 18, but now that he’s an adult, my influence has diminished even further.
We are aware that he is not satisfied with his appearance. My husband has gently suggested he discuss his hair loss with his doctor, considering a possible link to his diet or an underlying health condition. Interestingly, our son has sought counseling at school for unrelated matters upon our suggestion, indicating he doesn’t reject all our advice, though he seems resistant on this issue.
If he were happy with his appearance and it was clear there were no health concerns, we would step back. However, given the situation, should we still refrain from intervening?
– Concerned Mother
Dear Mother: At this point, the best way to support your son is to listen attentively and offer assistance when he seeks it. Navigating his relationship with his body is a personal journey. Although there are numerous hair treatment options and dietary resources, he needs to take the initiative if he desires change. It’s challenging for parents to watch their children navigate these uncertainties, but making independent choices is crucial for his development.
Lead with curiosity instead of concern as much as possible here. You can ask him about his feelings about himself or his eating habits but try to focus more on asking him about who he is, what he wants and what’s going on in his life. As he spreads his wings in college, it will help him to understand how an adult solves a problem. That problem could be as complex as addressing hair loss with a professional, or as simple as “how do I make dinner for myself?”
Dear Eric: I was surprised by your response to “Not the Girlfriend” who wanted the man she described as her boyfriend to, in words, ask her to be his girlfriend (assuming that represents exclusivity). They’ve been dating for six weeks, and he has told her he loves her.
I’m quite old, but don’t think I’m so old-fashioned in thinking that six weeks into a relationship is a bit too soon to be trying to nail things down. She didn’t mention how often they see each other but at six weeks you’re really just getting to know someone. Good relationships take time. And she’s already frustrated by the situation. I know there have been successful relationships that worked right from the get-go, but they’re rare.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to know a dating partner’s level of interest/seriousness. But I wonder what her rush is.
Maybe the guy thinks of her as his girlfriend without explicitly saying so. After all, he’s already said he loves her.
By the way, at six weeks, even sooner, you can certainly feel “in love” but at that stage you’re filling in the aspects that you still don’t know about your love interest with qualities you imagine are true.
– Reader
Dear Reader: I’m very grateful for this letter. It made me think about the original letter in a new way – and, not for nothing, made me ruminate for a while on the nature of love, which is always a very nice way to spend one’s time. I agree with you.
I was thinking about the communication challenges that many couples have and how so often we don’t ask for what we want. Or – one of the more dreaded roadblocks in a relationship – we want our partner to read our minds.
But I didn’t think enough about where this relationship was in its life cycle and how its relative newness probably adds to the issues of miscommunication.
Relationships at any stage can provoke insecurity or simply a desire to know that we’re loved in the way we want to be loved. That voice inside asking for assurance is natural and there’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s not always asking for something external. Sometimes it’s asking for internal work – in self-esteem, in being clear about one’s own desires, in being happy with oneself. That internal work will only strengthen other relationships.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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