DEAR ABBY: After facing years of setbacks, I’ve finally met the ideal man for me. How can I tell him that he’s not doing certain things right in the bedroom without making it awkward? I have brought it up before, but it hasn’t made a difference. This is the only issue in our relationship. I don’t want to hurt his feelings or create discomfort for either of us, but he’s just not fulfilling my needs. — WORKING ON IT IN TENNESSEE
DEAR WORKING: I assume the man of your dreams cares for you and wants to make you happy. Although it can be challenging, open communication is essential. Consider asking your doctor or gynecologist for a referral to a licensed sex therapist. Then, suggest to the man you love that you’d like him to join you for a session. If he truly cares, he’ll attend and learn new things. If ego is a barrier, have the discussion about your needs during a period of calm and relaxation—avoid addressing it in the bedroom. — NOT in the bedroom.
DEAR ABBY: I left my hometown a decade ago and have a cherished friend of nearly 30 years who still insists on sharing a bed when she visits. It’s becoming so frustrating that I’m hesitant for her to come over. It was alright when we were younger, but now that we are in our 40s, I prefer not to sleep next to anyone! I don’t wear pajamas. I like sleeping in a cool and dark room, while she always feels cold and prefers to sleep with the TV on.
My friend won’t tell me what her problem is; she says she’s not scared to sleep alone. She has a husband at home, but she nearly freaked out when he went on a weekend trip with his friends. I have a very nice guest room, but she never wants to sleep in there. She does not respect my boundaries, and I don’t know how to make her understand that I want to sleep alone. Can you help? — SOLO SLEEPING LADY IN MARYLAND
DEAR SOLO: I sure can. The next time this friend wants to visit, grow a backbone. Tell her you no longer want to share your bed with her or anyone, and if she can’t be comfortable in your guest room, she should stay home. Gee whiz!
DEAR ABBY: Today, I asked a man with a black mole on the side of his face if he had been checked for skin cancer because I come from a family with a great deal of skin cancer. The man was very patronizing and told me I should just go sit down. My husband previously ignored my concerns, but he did listen to a friend who was concerned that his dark mole could be pre-cancerous, which it was. Was I wrong for bringing this to the stranger’s attention? — PROACTIVE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR PROACTIVE: If you said it in the context of explaining that your husband had something similar that turned out to be cancerous, I don’t think what you did was wrong. It may have been presumptuous but it was also well-intentioned. He may have reacted the way he did because it made him self-conscious.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
