DEAR ABBY: What do you say when visiting a distant family member who is terminally ill? My aunt has been diagnosed with advanced-stage cancer and recently started hospice care. She might have anywhere from one to four months left. When I was younger, we would see each other during family gatherings, but I haven’t spoken to her in at least ten years, even though we both still live in the same city.
I’m typically comfortable with small talk and can write thoughtful birthday cards, but I’m unsure about what to say to someone nearing the end of life, especially when we haven’t spoken in so long. It’s not right to ask, “How have you been?” or make it seem like it’s the last time you’ll meet, even if it might be. I really want to visit her before she passes but I’m completely lost for words. Can you advise me? — CLUELESS NEPHEW IN IDAHO
DEAR NEPHEW: The right approach depends largely on your aunt’s condition when you see her. Remember, she might have things she wants to share with you. Consider saying:
“Thank you for seeing me. I know it has been some time since we’ve seen each other, but I wanted to come and tell you how much I always enjoyed and appreciated the time we spent together at all those family functions. Thank you for that. I won’t stay long because I don’t want you to waste your energy, but you need to know that I love you and always will.”
Understand that your presence there is as important as anything you might say to her. Remember that if you get stuck for words.
DEAR ABBY: I’ve been with my husband for 40 years. As in all marriages, we’ve had our ups and downs, but recently I can hardly stand to be around him. He has been scammed a couple of times, and he gets furious when I try to warn him they are scams. We have separate bank accounts, and I have made him start giving me the money for his share of the household bills when he gets paid so he doesn’t blow it. Now if I ask him where he spends his money, he ignores me.Â
Last night, he asked me what I had bought from a specific place. I asked him why I needed to tell him because he doesn’t tell me where he spends money. He said, “Because you’re my wife, and I love you.” When I asked why the opposite doesn’t seem to apply, he, of course, said nothing.
Later, he asked if I was mad, and I told him I’m more hurt than mad. He didn’t say anything the rest of the night and today he acts like every other day (which means very little interaction). I don’t know what to do anymore. Do you have any advice? — FRUSTRATED WIFE IN IOWA
DEAR WIFE: You bet I do. If ever I’ve heard about a couple who needs marriage counseling, it’s the two of you. Marriage and family therapists hear about this sort of thing often. Ask your doctor to refer you to someone licensed and qualified to help you and your husband over this rough patch.
DEAR READERS: Along with the millions of Americans who are observing this Memorial Day, I add my own prayer of thanks for those courageous men and women who have sacrificed their lives in service to our country. May they rest in peace. — LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
