Dear Eric: Our circle of friends regularly gathers to enjoy making music together. This casual ensemble meets in a public setting and prides itself on being inclusive, inviting musicians of all abilities to join in and play.
Nevertheless, we face a dilemma with one particular participant. She attends with her husband, who is a talented musician, yet her skills are lacking, resulting in random sounds that disrupt the harmony.
We’ve received feedback from others who appreciate our musical talents but express that her contribution detracts from the overall sound. While we share this sentiment, we also care deeply for her and want to avoid causing any hurt. Additionally, her husband is a key member and leader within our group, and maintaining a good relationship with him is important.
Do you have any advice on how we might gently encourage her to improve her skills or suggest she refrain from playing?
– Not in the Band
Dear Band: You’ve defined your gathering as an inclusive space, open to all, yet you’re considering imposing restrictions on one individual. This raises the question: is it truly open and welcoming or selectively so?
Now, I’m not unsympathetic to what you’re experiencing. You play music for the joy of making and the joy of performing. So, someone who isn’t playing in harmony (pun slightly intended) with the rest of the group can be disruptive or change the experience.
On the other hand, it’s likely that she has a completely different expectation of the group, namely that it’s a place where you can come as you are and play however you’d like. So, you could ask her if she’s open to feedback about her playing. She could say “no, thank you,” of course. But if she has an interest in improving, you should come prepared with actual steps she can take, be it switching instruments or taking lessons or something else.
More broadly, the group needs to decide whether it has different rules or not. Your relationship with this woman and her husband will continue to be fraught if you’re thinking of this group as “for everyone” but “everyone” comes with an asterisk.
Dear Eric: I became a widow two years ago after a long and happy marriage. I have one surviving son who is married and lives about 80 miles away in another state.
I rarely see my son, when I do see him, it is always just for the holidays. We talk on the phone frequently and he asks for money even though he receives an allowance from our family trust.
They often change plans last minute around the holidays which I go to great lengths to prepare for, shopping, cooking, decorating. I am never invited to their home. Our visits are cordial but brief.
This past Christmas they canceled due to illness and came the weekend after. I had cooked his favorite holiday dishes. When they did come, we went out to a restaurant. During the meal we made small talk and the rest of the time he was scrolling on his phone.
At one point I asked him very nicely to please put the phone away and engage with me. That lasted for a few minutes and then he continued scrolling.
I miss him, I miss seeing his face and getting a warm hug. I thought we had formed a strong familial bond. Should I just accept the status quo or try to have a meaningful conversation with him? I don’t want to push him away.
– Lonely Mother
Dear Mother: Try to have a meaningful conversation. It can be a real gift to ask for what you need from loved ones. It tells them where you are and how they can show their love more effectively to you.
When you do, lead with “I” statements, just as you did here: I miss you, I’d like to be closer, would it be possible to… (and then make a specific suggestion about something you’d like to change).
It would also be helpful for you to think about what you’re expecting from your relationship with your son. I don’t think what you want is unreasonable by any means, but from your description his actions read as dismissive and disrespectful. One way to counteract dismissive behavior is to set an internal boundary. You can, for instance, decide that you won’t make his favorite foods for the next holiday because he has a habit of canceling. And it’s fine to tell him that, too. If he wants the food, he can adjust his behavior and then you can decide if that change motivates you to start making dinner again.
You don’t have to settle for the crumbs of your son’s attention. Indeed, by asking for more, you might be able to get more.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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