Dear Jane,
My wife and I recently marked our fifth wedding anniversary, and I was determined to make the occasion as memorable as possible for her.
So when I asked whether there was anything she particularly wanted, I wasn’t prepared for the answer she gave me.
She told me her biggest wish was to add some excitement to our sex life by acting out a fantasy she had apparently kept hidden for years.
She wanted to watch some of the explicit films she normally views alone with me, and then try to recreate what we saw.
I wasn’t comfortable with the idea, but I agreed because I didn’t want to disappoint or upset her.
The situation felt awkward from the beginning, but it became far worse when she attempted some unfamiliar things and everything began to unravel.
Instead of being exciting, the experience was clumsy, disappointing and ultimately left both of us feeling unsatisfied.
I could see how humiliated she felt afterward. In the weeks since, she has barely shown any physical affection—not even a kiss or a hug.
I have no idea how to help her feel at ease around me again, especially when it comes to intimacy. I don’t want one disappointing night to damage our marriage.
Sincerely,
Awkward Anniversary
International best-selling author Jane Green shares compassionate advice on readers’ most personal dilemmas in her popular agony aunt column
Dear Awkward Anniversary,
A fantasy can feel thrilling when it remains private and exists only in your imagination. In that safe space, no one is watching and there is no risk of feeling judged.
The dynamic can change considerably, however, once you share that fantasy with a partner and attempt to turn it into reality.
The important thing to understand is that your wife is almost certainly not keeping her distance because her feelings for you have changed. She is likely dealing with an overwhelming sense of embarrassment.
She revealed a very private part of herself and may have imagined the experience unfolding in a completely different way. Without the polished lighting, camera work, editing and carefully chosen angles of professional productions, the reality was bound to feel less glamorous. She is probably experiencing what can only be described as a major vulnerability hangover.
After an experience like that, retreating can seem much easier than facing the person who witnessed it—which may explain why your wife has pulled away.
The best way to rebuild trust and affection may be through gentle reconnection and a little well-judged humor, but keep those efforts outside the bedroom for now.
Give her a hug and tell her you just want to hold her. This will help her feel comfortable again with physical proximity to you.
Then, break the ice with some gentle humor. Refer to your anniversary night as proof you’re not cut out for stunt work. Try and find a way to show her that you’re embarrassed too, but that you love that she trusted you enough to share this fantasy.
The fact that the night ended up feeling clumsy and awkward doesn’t detract from how much you love her or her honesty and willingness to try new things.
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Dear Jane,
I haven’t spoken to my mom in years.
We don’t have the best relationship, mainly because her drinking problem made my childhood a nightmare.
In adulthood, I decided to cut her off and live my life drama-free and didn’t think twice about it.
But a few weeks ago, I saw her at a family member’s wedding.
She’s sober now, and seems to be in a much better place mentally. She asked about my kids and my husband, none of whom she’s met, and said she’d love the chance to get to know them.
In the moment, I took down her new phone number and told her I’d call, but now that I’m home I’m reconsidering.
All I can think of are the horrible memories I have and I’m afraid to let her near my children.
I know she’s working on herself, so it feels cruel to not follow through on my promise to call. I just don’t know if I can trust her, and don’t want to put myself back through that emotional pain if she lets me down.
Sincerely,
Problematic Parent
Dear Problematic Parent,
I am so sorry that your childhood was so difficult.
Growing up as the child of an alcoholic or addict is enormously difficult and one of the terrible side effects is that there are very rarely any boundaries.
Children of alcoholics then grow up into adults who don’t know how to set their own boundaries in order to keep themselves safe.
Your mother is in a completely different place, but you’re likely on high alert, waiting for the other shoe to drop, because that’s all you’ve ever known from her.
But it’s possible to let her back into your life in a way that works for you and allows her to prove her sobriety and changed behaviors.
Everyone should be given a second chance, particularly someone who is showing you that they are doing the work. It just needs to happen within a framework that works for you.
You decide what the terms are to let her back into your life and she needs to respect them.
This can be incredibly hard with a parent, and although you might feel that you can set the boundary, upholding it can be terrifying.
Be very clear about what works for you, and what doesn’t – then stick to it. For example, if she behaves badly, you can tell her that she can’t come around for a while. If you have to mute or block pleas, you are allowed to do that too.
I have seen terrible parents grow into wonderful grandparents. This might be a gift for your children, and is absolutely a chance that is worth taking – but only with very clear rules.
