LOS ANGELES – Nikki Glaser kicked off Sunday’s Golden Globes with a bold and biting monologue, which gradually softened in tone as the evening progressed.
Glaser wasted no time in delivering sharp jabs, initially targeting the celebrities present by hinting at their potential inclusion in the Epstein Files, and even taking a playful swipe at CBS, the network hosting the event.
“We have so many A-listers here tonight, and by A-listers, I mean those who might appear on a heavily redacted list,” she quipped. “And the Golden Globe for best editing? That goes to the Justice Department.”
She smoothly transitioned to critique CBS News, poking fun at the network’s recent controversies, including its decision to pull a critical “60 Minutes” segment on the Trump Administration’s immigration policies involving a prison in El Salvador.
“And the most edited award goes to CBS News,” she remarked. “Yes, CBS News, where you can now watch America’s finest ‘BS’ news.”
Interestingly, Glaser opted not to mention Venezuela, a topic she had considered, as she confided to The Associated Press earlier that week. She was concerned it might already feel outdated amid the rapidly shifting news cycle. Additionally, she steered clear of discussing ICE.
Glaser also told the AP she was struggling to find a joke about Julia Roberts, saying she was so beloved and respected that nothing Glaser tried with her comedy club test audiences was landing.
She found a way to come at it sideways.
“Just like the podcasters nominated tonight, I should not be allowed to be this close to Julia Roberts,” she said, and got the big laugh she was looking for.
It was Glaser’s second time hosting the show. She was quickly rehired after getting strong reviews in her first outing last year. She was hired the first time after the ruthless roast she gave the attendees of the Netflix roast of Tom Brady. She’s been kinder on the Globes, but her jokes still had some bite.
She made the obligatory joke about Leonardo DiCaprio dating young women.
“You’ve worked with every great director. You’ve won three Golden Globes and an Oscar,” she said. “And the most impressive thing is that you were able to accomplish all of that before your girlfriend turned 30.”
She then went meta and apologized for being so obvious.
“Leo, I’m sorry I made that joke, it’s cheap. You know what, I tried not to, but like, we don’t know anything else about you, man. Like, there’s nothing else, like open up!” she said, getting a bigger laugh than she did for the first joke, especially from DiCaprio himself.
Of DiCaprio’s fellow nominee for “One Battle After Another,” Sean Penn, she said, “Everyone in this town is obsessed with looking younger. Meanwhile, Sean Penn, is like, what if I slowly morph into a sexy leather handbag?”
She focused on the lean frame of Timothée Chalamet in her inevitable joke about the nominee for “Marty Supreme,” calling him “the first actor in history to have to put on muscle for a movie about ping pong. This is true. He gained over 60 ounces.”
She called the sequel “Wicked: For Good” “Wicked: For Money,” getting economical as the monologue went on to maximize her targets.
She seemed to pull half the room into her final mega-joke.
“Guillermo del Toro, keep making weird monster sex movies,” she said. “James Cameron — keep making weird monster sex movies. Emma Stone and Yorgos Lanthimos, keep making wonderfully bizarre movies together and go harder. I want Emma Stone playing a piece of toast with epilepsy.”
It went on and on, with lines including “Paul Mescal and Jacob Elordi, keep being the same person to my mom, okay?”
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