Dear Eric: I agreed to let my cousin’s daughter, whom I’m not particularly close with, stay at my place while she finishes her college studies. Initially, she was supposed to be here for just one semester since January, but this semester seems to be never-ending.
We had an issue where she left a significant amount of hair in my bathroom, which I ended up cleaning myself. When I addressed this through a text message, expressing my displeasure, she seemed to become quite upset.
For several weeks, she walked around the house visibly angry, and when I tried to speak to her as she was leaving one day, she slammed the door in my face.
There have been other problems as well. Upon moving in, she brought at least nine large boxes that have taken over my living room. Despite my repeated requests for about seven months to have her move them, she hasn’t done so.
This led to a major argument, and now she remains sullen and withdrawn. She claims she needs her peace and refuses to communicate. Moreover, she has stopped doing her share of the chores.
I really want her to move out. Her behavior is simply disrespectful. Is it unreasonable for me to feel this way?
– Bad Housemate
Dear Housemate: It seems like she’s fallen into the pattern of being the sullen teenager, making you the nagging parent. But you’re not her parent and, if she’s finishing college, she’s probably not a teenager either. She’s a guest in your home and she needs to treat the home and you with respect. If she won’t contribute to the order of the home and won’t communicate with you, then it’s not working, and you should tell her that. She doesn’t get a free pass.
If you want to give her another chance before asking her to leave, then it’s time to have a “state of the arrangement” conversation where you lay out what your expectations are and ask her if she can accept those. Also state that there are consequences to the agreement not being honored, namely that this wouldn’t be a place where she was able to stay any longer. Lastly, get a timeline. How long is this degree going to take? How many credits does she have left?
From your letter, however, it sounds like you’re fed up and that’s fine. We’re coming up on the end of another semester. This may be the right time for her to find another option. Because your cousin made the arrangement, you might also loop her in so she’s not blindsided and so she can help her daughter to take responsibility.
Dear Eric: I recently spent the night with an old friend. We had a 50-year anniversary visit. We are thrilled to be reunited. My friend went out of her way to make me welcome and comfortable in her home overnight. That included washing the bed linens having used fabric softener and/or dryer sheets. The bed was overwhelmingly perfumed by these products to the extent that I was coughing and effectively lost a night‘s sleep.
The opportunity exists to spend more time in the future in her home, however, I cannot sleep in her guest room with those chemicals in play. How do you suggest I approach this one?
– No Aromas, Please
Dear Aromas: The easiest way is probably to bring your own sheets/linens if you have the space in your luggage. And it’s fine to mention it in advance. “I’m sensitive to scents and chemicals, so I’m going to bring my own sheets. I just wanted to let you know. I don’t want you to go out of your way and I want to be rested enough to enjoy our time together.”
This also gives your friend the opportunity to modify the way she hosts. She might hear this and volunteer to wash the linens without fabric softener. It’s easy enough to do. The most direct option is to ask her: “would you mind not using any scented chemicals on the sheets in your guestroom?” I list this option last not to be passive, but because it may not completely solve your issue. If she’s using the fabric softener consistently on all her other laundry, there may be residual aromas that you pick up on.
The bigger idea here is that good hosting and being a good guest are both reliant on clear communication. Guests and hosts shouldn’t be afraid to ask for what they need, respectfully, reasonably, and kindly. It sounds like your friend was happy to do whatever she could to make you feel at home. It stands to reason, then, that she’d be happy to make an adjustment if it made you even more comfortable. Likewise, it sounds like you’re happy to do what you can to clear the path for a more enjoyable time. This is all good news. Enjoy your next visit.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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