DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to a wonderful woman from another country. She is divorced and has a 19-year-old son who is thriving in college. She mostly brought him up by herself. Due to some form of spectrum disorder and ADHD, her son was not easy to handle. I am in good health, hold several advanced degrees, including an M.D. and a Ph.D., and have had a rewarding and successful career. I have raised six content, healthy, and self-sufficient children. Through hard work, I have amassed a significant savings.
My issue is that she sometimes seems to treat me as though I were her son. She often asks if I’m cold and suggests I wear more clothes. She inquires about my hunger, thirst, tiredness, and whether I should exercise. While I don’t believe she means any harm, I think this is her way of showing care and affection through these nurturing concerns.
I have often told her that she doesn’t need to advise me on things like clothing or hunger — I am an adult who has managed well enough on my own for many years. She has much less financial means than I do, and I offer her support. Nonetheless, I find it difficult to deal with her motherly approach. I have expressed several times that I need a partner, not a mother, but this message doesn’t seem to resonate with her. How can I convince this woman I love to regard me as an adult and stop questioning my mature judgment? — NOBODY’S CHILD IN NEW YORK
DEAR NOBODY’S CHILD: Your fiancée may not be trying to infantilize you. Many, if not most, women who love the men in their lives fuss over them. Because her efforts are not pleasing and are having a negative effect, you are going to have to be more direct in your message, and by that, I mean tell her it is such a turnoff for you that you are considering ending the relationship. Stating it just that way may help the message to penetrate. And if it doesn’t, then you aren’t the man for her.
DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with my partner for 10 years. While the first two years were good, things have slowly deteriorated. For example, we used to go to movies and dinner at least one day a weekend. Now we don’t do anything unless he wants to play cards. I’m getting bored with cards all the time. I feel like I’m wasting my life sitting at home with him. There’s no excitement. And to top it off, when we do go places, we invariably end up taking my car, and I must pay for the gas and wear and tear. It’s getting old. Any advice? — FED UP IN MISSOURI
DEAR FED UP: You appear to be the passive partner in this relationship. If you would like to change the balance of power, assert yourself. Because you find playing cards so often boring, and he isn’t up for going to a show or out for dinner, go with a girlfriend. I wish you had mentioned why you provide all the transportation, because changing that pattern should be as easy as saying, “No, I prefer we use YOUR car this time.” Remember, nothing will change unless you change.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
