Dear Eric,
At 73, I’ve cherished a friendship that began during my freshman year of college. It’s a bond that has spanned decades, bringing joy and companionship. However, two years ago, I began to notice unsettling changes in my friend’s behavior. Her ability to engage in conversations seemed to wane, and she appeared increasingly unaware of current events. The isolation brought on by Covid seemed to exacerbate the situation; she and her husband rarely stepped out of their home, with her husband spending much of his time on the computer.
Our phone calls became more frequent, yet oddly repetitive. My friend would often ring me up without any real news, cycling through the same three or four stories, sometimes repeating them within mere minutes. Concerned about potential cognitive decline, I broached the topic with her directly. She reassured me, saying she was in excellent health, took no medications, and hailed from a family known for their longevity. In her view, everything was perfectly fine.
Living in different states as we do, I felt compelled to reach out to her niece to express my worries. I hoped she might shed some light on the situation. The niece contacted her aunt, explaining my outreach as a simple check-in. Subsequently, the niece texted me, assuring that her aunt seemed “just fine.”
However, my friend did not take kindly to what she perceived as interference in her life. Her response was one of intense anger. Already managing my own mental health issues, I found myself unable to cope with the ensuing drama. Ultimately, I made the difficult decision to block contact, effectively ending a friendship that had lasted 54 years. I now find myself questioning whether I failed her in some way.
– Concerned, Not Interfering
Dear Concerned: Reaching out to your friend and to a family member was the right thing. The Alzheimer’s Association ( alz.org ) has a 10-step guide for how to approach a friend or loved one about whom you have memory-related concerns; I refer to it often. Part of that plan involves alerting the friend or loved one to the changes you’re seeing and asking if they’ve noticed the same things. Another part of that plan involves reaching out to someone closer who can help or who might be able to confirm what you’re seeing (or refute it).
These conversations are not always easy. Sometimes people experience shame when others speak to them about their health. Others might feel that people are talking about them behind their backs, which can be hard to handle.
I’m sorry that the conversations you had prompted vitriol from your friend. But I’d encourage you to unblock her. After 54 years, it’s worth allowing her some grace, apologizing for any perceived overstepping, and starting over. A grudge won’t do either of you any good. But a five-decade connection that allows for ups, downs, and changes, can continue to benefit you both.
Dear Eric: We had been friends with another couple for more than 50 years. They were always jealous about little things we did or bought, like a new sofa, new appliances, et cetera. But when we built a new house, that ended our relationship. They never came to visit and we haven’t talked since.
That was 21 years ago. How can anybody be that jealous and what causes it? Small things they would get over in a week or so, but this was too big for them to handle.
– Jealousy Ruined the Friendship
Dear Friendship: It sounds like that couple was never really in the right place to be friends with you. The green-eyed monster pokes its head out on occasion in even the healthiest of relationships, but I struggle to see what they thought they were getting out of this friendship or adding to it.
As this has been on your mind for two decades, I suspect that you’d like some resolution about it. Alas, that may not come. The simple truth is that sometimes other people’s internal struggles manifest externally and keep them from the happiness they say they want.
Dear Eric: This is in response to “You Gonna Finish That?”, who was concerned about restaurant food waste and wanted to ask strangers for their leftovers at restaurants. There is an app called “Too Good To Go”, where participating restaurants and food servers like convenience stores can sell “mystery bags” of their food left over at the end of the day/night at discounted prices.
The app provides time windows in which to pick up the items, usually shortly before closing. This cuts down on food waste and allows restaurants to recover some of their food costs. It also lets people try new restaurants at a reduced cost. There’s a delicious bagel shop near me that participates in the app, and I’ve frequently gotten a dozen assorted bagels at cost. Win-win!
– Too Good
Dear Too Good: Thanks for this suggestion. I’ve checked out the app in the past and it does a great job helping restaurants to reduce food waste. Restaurants have to adhere to strict guidelines around food service, including never serving one guest food that’s been served to another guest. Apps like “Too Good to Go” help make use of unused food without exposing the restaurant to liability.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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