‘My mind never shuts off… I don’t know what’s wrong with me.’
‘I want to be well… I feel like I’m drowning.’
Those anguished words from Lindsay Clancy’s diary were presented in court this week, offering a stark glimpse into what prosecutors and defense attorneys described as her worsening state of mind in the months before January 24, 2023 — the night she strangled her three young children and then attempted suicide.
In a series of journals, the Massachusetts mother of three wrote about her declining mental health, the strain of sleep training her infant son, the demands of caring for her two older children, and the guilt she felt over not spending enough time with her husband, Patrick Clancy.
Dozens of the entries were read aloud Monday in Plymouth County Superior Court as the second week began in a case that has been widely described as one of America’s saddest trials.
Clancy, a former labor and delivery nurse, faces three counts of first-degree murder in the deaths of her children — Cora, 5, Dawson, 3, and Callan, 8 months — at the family’s home in Duxbury, an affluent coastal suburb south of Boston.
Authorities say Clancy strangled the children with exercise bands in the basement before cutting her wrists and neck and jumping from a second-floor window.
The 35-year-old has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity, with her defense arguing that she was experiencing severe postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis at the time of the killings.
Lindsay Clancy’s fraught diary entries were revealed in court this week, giving a glimpse into her state of mind around the killings
She kept a detailed medication journal documenting her reactions and side effects to drugs
As her mental health deteriorated, she was prescribed several psychiatric medications
Inside the courtroom on Monday, the stage was set for the key battle at the heart of the case: was Clancy of sound mind, or was she in a state of psychosis when she killed her children?
The defense says she was not of sound mind, pointing to her documented mental health struggles and the rapid succession of psychiatric medications she was prescribed in the months before the killings.
This week, the defense also pointed to the fact she paralyzed herself by jumping out of her window, implying it was a sincere suicide attempt and showed a break from reality.
The prosecution argued Clancy carefully planned the killings and that her apparent suicide attempt was designed to make it appear she had acted while mentally unwell.
They pointed to what they described as ‘superficial injuries’ to her wrists and neck that they argued were not intended to be fatal.
They have also argued Clancy was only left permanently paralyzed because the frozen ground beneath her window made the impact more severe than she anticipated. Blood stain analysis experts testified that blood was found on the shingles on the outside of the home, below the second floor window – something that could indicate Clancy hung by her arms from the window ledge before dropping to the ground or alternatively could indicate she leant forward out of the window.
The question of postpartum psychosis, and whether the medical staff who treated Clancy believed she was suffering from it, also took center stage.
Jurors heard from one psychiatrist who said Clancy showed no signs of psychosis two days after the killings and revealed that one of the first things the mother-of-three asked for was a lawyer.
Clancy with husband Patrick Clancy and their three children Cora, Dawson and Callan
One of Lindsay Clancy’s diaries is shown as evidence in Plymouth County Superior Court on Monday
Investigators found a book called ‘Good moms have scary thoughts’ as well as information booklets on postpartum anxiety and depression
By contrast, a nurse revealed that the medical team had discussed Clancy possibly suffering from postpartum psychosis.
Another psychiatrist told jurors that someone experiencing psychosis can still make plans, carry them out and communicate normally with others.
But it was the haunting diary entries that offered the clearest insight yet into Clancy’s state of mind in the days, weeks and months before the killings.
Investigators found the journals during a search of the Clancy home, alongside a copy of Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts and information booklets on postpartum anxiety and depression.
There was a brown journal, a Tree of Life journal with a tree-patterned cover and a yellow notebook with ‘Callan Patrick Clancy’ written across the front, containing a detailed schedule for the couple’s youngest son and notes for the nanny.
Clancy’s attorney Kevin Reddington, best known for representing mobster James ‘Whitey’ Bulger’s longtime girlfriend Catherine Greig, read the entries one by one to the jury.
In the journal, Clancy described being ‘obsessed’ with Callan’s sleep schedule and overwhelmed with guilt over sleep-training him.
She also described having ‘brain fog’ and feeling desperate to feel like herself again.
‘I now have horrible insomnia and anxiety which is causing depression. I have no appetite, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I want help. I want to be well,’ read one entry.
‘I feel completely disconnected with my baby. I feel like I’m going through the motions every day,’ read another.
Cora and Dawson with the snowman they built alongside their mom on the day of their deaths
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‘I’m really worried about going back to work and not being able to function with the brain fog,’ came another.
As Reddington read faster and faster, the veteran defense lawyer emphasized the mounting anxiety and despair reflected in Clancy’s writings.
‘I’m completely overwhelmed taking care of the three kids. I feel like I’m drowning.’
‘Hearing him cry for one hour plus and not intervening just about killed me. I even said “I want to die” to Pat when he was crying.’
The journals also reveal Clancy’s guilt over her marriage and her decision to stop breastfeeding in an effort to improve her own mental health.
While many of the entries were undated, one from November 18, 2022, around two months before the killings, read: ‘It’s like I’m so desperate to get a mental break from taking care of everyone that my mind is trying to make something physically wrong with me.’
In the months leading up to the killings, Clancy also kept detailed notes on the psychiatric medications she was prescribed and the side effects she experienced, documenting her struggles with sleep and depression.
While the journals painted a harrowing picture of a mother struggling to cope, testimony from some medical staff challenged Clancy’s claim that she was suffering from postpartum psychosis.
Dr Jhilam Biswas, a forensic psychiatrist at Brigham and Women’s Hospital, testified that she evaluated Clancy on January 26, 2023 – two days after the killings.
Clancy was awake but intubated, meaning she could not speak, so doctors communicated with her using pen and paper.
When asked about her mood, Clancy wrote: ‘Horrified.’
Using the pen and paper, Clancy also had questions for the doctors.
One of the first questions she wrote was: ‘Do I have an attorney?’
She also asked, ‘Is my body broken? Are my legs straight?’ and whether she could have visitors and where her family was.
The three-bedroom home in the wealthy suburb of Duxbury, Massachusetts, as it now looks today
It remains unclear whether Clancy was referring to her children or whether she knew they had died.
The psychiatrist then testified that she saw no signs of psychosis in her assessment of Clancy.
She told jurors that while psychosis presents in many different ways, people hearing voices will often appear to be actively responding to or interacting with them – which Clancy was not.
This prompted a fiery cross-examination from Reddington, leading the psychiatrist to admit she had only seen Clancy once – and only for around 20 to 30 minutes.
She also acknowledged that psychosis can fluctuate and that patients can experience ‘moments of clarity.’
Jurors also heard from psychiatrist Dr Sejal Shah, who began treating Clancy on January 29, 2023, five days after the killings.
That day, Clancy requested to change her healthcare proxy from Patrick to her parents.
By then she was no longer on a breathing tube and was able to speak.
However, she was suffering from visual hallucinations and felt delirious, the psychiatrist testified.
The psychiatrist said Clancy had recently undergone major spinal surgery, had just come off anesthesia, had an elevated heart rate and low oxygen saturation, all of which could have contributed to the hallucinations and delirium.
Clancy’s parents Paula and Mike Musgrove have attended each day of the trial so far in support of their daughter
While Cora and Dawson were pronounced dead that awful night, Callan was taken off life support on January 27, 2023
Dr Shah said that she waited until the following day when Clancy no longer felt delirious before allowing her to change her healthcare proxy.
During her subsequent treatment of Clancy, she said the mom-of-three denied having hallucinations, delusions, or suicidal and homicidal thoughts.
In her medical records, it was noted that Clancy’s mood was ‘okay’ and she seemed to be ‘future-orientated.’
Yet, the psychiatrist confirmed that people can plan and act on plans in a state of psychosis.
Despite telling the doctors that she did not feel suicidal, Clancy asked to sign a do not resuscitate (DNR) order. Dr Shah testified that they refused, because of Clancy’s apparent suicide attempt days earlier.
A nurse at the hospital, Rachelle Amadee, testified earlier on Monday that there had been discussion among the medical staff that Clancy may have postpartum psychosis – a key moment which marked the first time that such a diagnosis was mentioned during the trial.
As multiple medical experts testified throughout the day about her own mental and physical conditions, Clancy remained largely composed and attentive.
But when doctors testified in heartbreaking detail about Callan’s death earlier in the day, she crumpled in tears.
While Cora and Dawson were pronounced dead that awful night, her eight-month-old son still had a heartbeat and was placed on life support. But he was brain dead and was taken off life support on January 27, 2023.
If convicted, Clancy will be sentenced to life without parole. If acquitted by reason of insanity, she will be admitted to a psychiatric hospital.
The trial continues.
