Dear Vanessa,
My husband and I are both in our 40s, have been married for 17 years, and are raising two children while paying off a mortgage.
His father passed away recently and left him an inheritance of $400,000.
When he first told me, I felt a mixture of sadness and relief. Of course the money has come from a painful loss, but I also believed it could make a huge difference to our family’s future. My immediate thought was that we could pay down a substantial part of the mortgage and ease some of the financial pressure we live with.
My husband, however, sees the situation very differently.
He says the inheritance is his, and that he should be the one to decide how it is used. He wants to buy a motorbike, spend some of it on travel, and invest whatever remains on his own terms.
I was genuinely stunned by his response.
Throughout our marriage, we have always pooled our finances. What we earn has gone into building a life together. At times I have earned less because I was caring for our children, but I have never viewed the money in our household as belonging separately to him or to me.
I don’t have a problem with him spending some of it on himself. I actually think he should. But $400,000 is a lot of money and we still have a mortgage.
Money educator Vanessa Stoykov (pictured) gives advice to a woman whose husband has just received a large inheritance
When I suggested putting most of it into the house, he basically said, ‘Why should I use my inheritance to pay off our mortgage?’
That really upset me.
We’ve been married for 17 years. It’s our house and our mortgage. At least that’s how I’ve always thought about it.
Now I’m wondering if I’ve been looking at our finances completely differently to him all these years.
Am I wrong to expect him to use some of his inheritance to help our family?
Or do I just have to accept that his dad left the money to him and it’s his to do whatever he wants with?
Confused Wife
Dear Confused Wife,
‘I’m wondering if I’ve been looking at our finances completely differently to him all these years,’ a woman writes to Vanessa. (Stock image)
I can see why that comment upset you.
After 17 years of sharing bills, raising children and paying a mortgage together, hearing your husband suddenly describe a large amount of money as ‘mine’ would feel like the rules had changed.
But I don’t think the real issue here is the $400,000.
It’s your values around money.
You see money as something that can create security for the family. Your first thought was the mortgage: reduce the debt, take some pressure off and put yourselves in a stronger position for the future.
Your husband sees this money differently. His father left it to him, and perhaps he sees it as a chance to enjoy things he has always wanted – the motorbike, travel and having some money of his own.
Neither of those feelings is necessarily wrong.
The problem is that you haven’t agreed on what this money means.
Before you argue about the motorbike or how much should go on the mortgage, I would have a much bigger conversation.
Ask each other: What does money mean to you? What makes you feel secure? What do you want the next 10 or 20 years of your life to look like? What do you believe you owe yourselves, each other and your children?
And ask him why keeping this inheritance separate matters so much to him.
There may be something underneath it that has nothing to do with the actual dollars. It could be his connection to his father. It could represent freedom. Or receiving $400,000 may have simply made him think differently about what he wants from the next stage of his life.
You should be able to explain your side too. Paying down the mortgage isn’t just a financial calculation for you. It represents security and a shared future.
This is also enough money that I would suggest getting experienced financial advice before making any major decisions. An adviser can help you look at different scenarios – paying down the mortgage, investing some of the inheritance, spending some of it, or a combination – and understand what each could mean for your future.
You can find an adviser here.
But an adviser can’t decide what matters most to the two of you.
You have to do that together.
Sometimes a sudden amount of money doesn’t create a problem in a relationship. It simply reveals a conversation that was always waiting to happen.
All the best,
Vanessa
You can subscribe to Vanessa’s free newsletter here.
