Dear Jane,
I’ve been seeing a new man for a few weeks, and he seems to have everything I’ve ever wanted: he’s kind, funny, attractive and shares my values. I’ve fallen for him completely.
But now I’m worried I’ve destroyed any chance we had.
Until recently, our dates had been casual and public — coffee, dinner, drinks or a trip to the cinema.
Then, last week, he asked whether he could bring over a bottle of wine and cook dinner at my home.
I understood what an invitation to come over might suggest, particularly after a few glasses of pinot noir, and my heart sank.
I’m not someone who intends to wait until marriage, but I also don’t want to sleep with a person before I truly know them. I would prefer to become someone’s serious girlfriend before taking that step, and we haven’t defined our relationship yet.
Even so, I agreed to have him over. I spent the entire evening feeling anxious about how I would respond if he made a move — and how I would explain my personal rule.
Eventually, my worst fears came true. I had to tell him that although I really like him, I wasn’t ready to have sex.
I knew he might feel disappointed, but I assumed he would respect my decision and my boundaries.
Instead, he stood up from the sofa and declared that my refusal to sleep with him after several weeks of dating was a dealbreaker.
His response was even more upsetting than I had imagined. Yet I still don’t want to lose him. He seems perfect in every other way, and I can picture a future together. Should I give him what he wants, even though I’m not ready?
Sincerely,
Dating Dilemma
International bestselling author Jane Green shares thoughtful guidance on readers’ most pressing personal questions in her agony aunt column
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Dear Dating Dilemma,
You’re right not to rush into bed with someone before you feel confident about who they are and what your relationship means.
Modern dating can make intimacy feel immediate, and some people find themselves sleeping with a new partner only to be ignored or abandoned afterward.
The reality is that you still know very little about this man.
People reveal their character through their actions, not simply through their promises or words.
All of us are on our best behavior for the first few dates until the act becomes too hard and our truest selves are revealed.
But actions speak louder than words, and this man – who may be kind, funny, handsome and said all the right things up until this point – has just revealed his truest self, hiding behind the pristine veneer. And it is awful.
He manipulated you by inviting himself over with very clear intentions.
Yet you overrode your intuition even when his behavior proved he was exactly the sort of man you’ve been trying to avoid – and you’re still trying to find a way to have a future with him.
But you don’t. This is not the man for you.
That he expected you to sleep with him as some form of payment after taking you out is revolting, and his departure after dropping that bombshell is equally so.
It’s quite clear that it’s the one thing he was after.
The right man will respect your boundaries. He will feel like the luckiest man in the world to have you. He will treat you with care and love.
And often we have to kiss quite a few frogs before we find that man, and well done you that all you did in fact do was kiss.
